Procrastination and truancy stem from aversion to failure, which more specifically is the weighting of visibly subpar performance as unthinkably bad, which leads to a total avoidance of presence (and thus of success) due to this fear. 

“Subpar”, of course, is based on perfectionism, which stems from having so much of my sense of worth based on performance, due to my inability to see/value strengths in myself. 

This is largely based on using others (and usu the superlative others) to judge myself (to be wanting); a scale which arises from my inability to have a personal idea of what is good, what I should value, what my goals are.

Also entangled in this: a focus on the appearance of success rather than real success; a lack of pushing myself and thus an inability to judge myself “good at” anything.

PS: The existence of this whole dysfunctional supply chain means there are several places I could correct myself. I could try to reorient anyway from vanity and the appearance of success. I could try to finally get around to thinking about big life questions. I could try to push myself more. Hard to tell.

PPS: Also, inherent flaws in the “value added” model and black/white thinking.

i can do this

[This is what happens when you have CS friends. Some liberties have been taken. Don’t ask.]

What you’re referring to as Pepsi, is in fact Pepsi-Cola, or as I’ve recently taken to calling it, Pepsi plus Cola. Pepsi is not a product unto itself, but rather another component of a fully functioning Cola beverage made useful by the water, carbonation, and cola syrup comprising a full beverage as defined by the ABA.

Many consumers drink a modified version of the Cola beverage every day without realizing it. Through a peculiar turn of events, a version of Cola which is widely used today is often called “Pepsi”, and many of its drinkers are not aware that it is basically the Cola beverage, developed by Coca-Cola. There really is a Pepsi, and these people are purchasing it, but it is just a part of the beverage they purchase.

Pepsi is the brand: the symbol in the business that allocates advertising money to the other products that you buy. The brand is an essential part of a product, but useless by itself; it can only function in the context of a complete product. Pepsi is normally purchased in combination with the cola product: the whole system is basically Cola with Pepsi added, or Pepsi-Cola. all the so-called “Pepsi” distributions are really distributions of Pepsi-Cola.

Played Warlight (mega-risk, with a world map of ~150 territories, a Europe map of ~200 territories, and an African map too large for me to handle) for quite some time. Here are the stories that persist; two games disappeared before I could examine the history.

Game 1) Start in Arabia. Meet China. Conquer China. Conquer Asia. (Meanwhile, North America is slapping itself and Antarctica has conquered the southern continents). Fight into Africa and Australia; win.

Game 2) North America + South Africa, opposed by Europe/Asian Coast, Arabia/China, Russia/Antarctica, and Polynesia. Americas invade Europe, China consolidates Asia, Russia splinters, and Antarctica takes Africa. China is the last casualty of the Americans.

Game 3) Vikings and Belarusians. Opposed by Spain-Russia, Germany-Poland-Turkey, France-Romania-Serbia, and… Yugoslavia? Take over Russia. Win.

Game 4) Be Africa. Take over the Americas; opposed by Asia (and token European resistance). Win with mighty American power.

Game 5) Be Africa, opposed by US, India, and Antarctica. Conquer Europe, India conquers Asia, Antarctica conquers South America. Wage long war in Canada and along the Asian border; US raids eventually weaken Asian defensive lines. Win.

Game 6) Start in West US, opposed by [Pink AI]. Conquer the US and Latin America, still fighting against [Pink AI]. [Pink AI] falls, squeezed between The Americas, Europe+Russia, and Africa+China. Africa-China falls to Europe. Eurasia falls to America.

Game 7) Be India, opposed by East Africa, West Africa, and Antarctica. Conquer China while they squabble over Africa. Conquer Asia. Win.

Game 8) Be Hungary. Expand into the Balkans and take hold of the entire Slavic region, opposed by Czech-Poland, Russia-Germany-Iceland-Ireland, and Italy-Turkey. Take Turkey, crush Poland, fight with England-France-Germany over Russia. Spain emerges to harry France-Germany; Slavs win.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_animals_named_after_celebrities

Trypanosoma irwini is a blood parasite of koalas. It was first discovered in 2009 by Linda M. McInnes and her peers and named in honor of Steve Irwin, “The Crocodile Hunter”.

Scaptia beyonceae has a striking golden tip to its abdomen, formed by a dense patch of golden hairs, providing the inspiration for its name.

Psephophorus terrypratchetti is a species of Eocene turtle identified from the fossil record. It is named after the author Terry Pratchettwho wrote a series of fantasy books set on a world carried on the back of a giant turtle.

Phialella zappai is a species of cnidarian named for musician Frank Zappa. It was named by Ferdinando “Nando” Boero, a jellyfish expert from GenovaItaly who wrote to Zappa hoping to meet the musician whom he admired. Zappa replied saying “there is nothing I would like better than having a jellyfish with my name” leading to a meeting, and eventually a friendly acquaintance, between the biologist and the musician.

Pachygnatha zappa is a spider named after musician Frank Zappa because of its unique markings which resemble his famous moustache.

[Anophthalmus hitleri:] The genus name means eyeless, so the full name can be translated as “the eyeless one of Hitler”

[Draculoides bramstokeri] uses large fang-like pedipalps, or pincers, to grasp invertebrate prey and crunch it into pieces before sucking out the juices. Named for this method of dispatching victims and after Bram Stoker, the author of Dracula.

[Arthurdactylus conandoylei] was in 1994 named by Eberhard Frey and David Martill in honor of Arthur Conan Doyle, who featured large reptilian pterosaurs in his novel The Lost World, about a professor finding prehistoric animals still alive on a plateau in South-America.

Aptostichus angelinajolieae is a species of trapdoor spider named after the American actress Angelina Jolie. Found on coastal dunes ofNorthern California, it is similar to the lighter-colored Aptostichus stephencolberti described by the same authority

[Aptostichus stephencolberti] was named after Colbert after he reported on his television series The Colbert Report that Jason Bond, a professor of biology at East Carolina University, named a different species of spider Myrmekiaphila neilyoungi, after the Canadian rock star Neil Young. Colbert was angered by the fact that Bond had not named a spider after him

Agra schwarzeneggeri (Erwin, 2002) is a species of carabid beetle named after “the actor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, in reference to the markedly developed (biceps-like) middle femora of the males of this species reminiscent of the actor’s physique.”


stfuconservatives:

ethiopienne:

deliciouskaek:

14kgoldnyc:

sanityscraps:

goldenheartedrose:

soultired:

goldenheartedrose:

inflateablefilth:

nothingaboutus-withoutus:

artemispotter:

Leviticus 20:13:

If a man lies with a man as one lies with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable. They must be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads.

Nice try, Colbert.

Leviticus was written approximately 1400 years before Jesus’ birth.

Nice try, artemispotter.

Old Testament =/= New Testament. Seriously. Also, Leviticus also commands you to learn the Torah, which, if you’re getting Old and New confused, you clearly haven’t.

Not to mention the other ridiculous laws in Leviticus (and Deuteronomy, as well), including the following:

  • No mixing of different types of fabric
  • No having sex with a woman on her period
  • Curse your mother or father? You must be killed
  • Disabled people cannot worship God 
  • Stubborn children should be stoned.

So…. still want to argue how valid the OT is?

Also, in the Bible!=Jesus said it, anyway.  Even in the NT, there are a lot of people who aren’t Jesus giving their opinions.

Truth.  

Only if the words are in red (in many translations) does it mean that Jesus said it.

FWIW, the apostle Paul and I would not have been friends.  Mortal enemies is more like it.

Hey, guys, remember that one time when Jesus declared Levitican law irrelevant?

The former regulation is set aside because it was weak and useless (for the law made nothing perfect), and a better hope is introduced, by which we draw near to God.

-Hebrews 7:18-19.

Having been Jewish for, you know, ever, I am endlessly amused at the Christian Right’s reliance on Leviticus. Even I, who didn’t understand the theological difference between Catholics and Protestants until I took a course on Christianity in college, knew that Jesus was totes anti-Leviticus.

Seriously, people…

^^^^^^^

Ugh thank you. Fellow Christian here. I’ve literally NEVER understood this logic. “hey guys let’s pick one arbitrary part of leviticus to harp on and ignore the fact that 99% of the new testament explicitly tells us the old covenants/laws no longer hold true”

I love it when self-professed “Christians” don’t know the ABSOLUTELY MOST SIMPLE basics of the difference between the Old and New Testament. If you are against gay marriage because of Leviticus, you should also keep kosher and be against tattoos. Otherwise you’re just another FLAMING HYPOCRITE.

-Jess

I’m probably going to regret this horribly. Either that or nobody (including me) will care. Whatever.

Matthew 5:17 states that Jesus did not come to abolish the Law or the Prophets, but rather to fulfill them. The reference to Hebrews, besides its reference to a single old regulation (the nature of the priesthood), comes from one of the ”lot of people who aren’t Jesus giving their opinions.”

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christian_views_on_the_old_covenant

The notion that Christianity is anti-Leviticus is advanced only by Dispensationalists and derivatives (as well as by the casual secular layman, I suppose, but such intuition is a rather unrigorous way to approach things). The Lutheran view of Leviticus, as far as I can grasp it from Wikipedia, is essentially that the old Law may be useful to guide the behavior of those baptised into new life, which is unhelpfully vague. This does not, however, imply any hypocrisy in selective interpretation of the Old Testament; given what is specified by the promise of Jesus, some laws will be more useful than others.

However, a common view (Catholic, Anglican, Calvinist) first proposed by Aquinas is the division of the Old Testament’s dictates into three major categories - Moral, Civil/Judicial, and Ritual/Ceremonial. This division generally accompanies the belief that only Moral dictates are applicable to the modern day; dictates against animal cross-breeding or kosher are no longer valid. Now, given this division, it is entirely possible to oppose both homosexuality and kosher without hypocrisy; there is a strong case to be made that Leviticus 20:13 ought to inform modern Christians in a moral sense if not in a civil one. 

The apology for homosexuality on one level, which I personally found unconvincing, is the notion that Leviticus 20 is largely ceremonial (see Leviticus 20:18 which condemns sex during menstruation, which is not clearly immoral for any reason). That seems to paint with too broad a brush.

The apology that I personally came to accept comes in part from musing on the nature of (sexual) sin. This is from a Catholic rather than a strictly Biblical perspective, and so it reflects on the capital sins, most notably pride (the most capital). Pride is the disordered prioritisation of the self over the proper role of God; more abstractly, sin can be considered as the disordered prioritisation of the physical world - Augustine’s City of Man - over the plan of God. Lust and sexual sins, thus, are prioritisation of bodily pleasure to the detriment of a proper Godly focus, which has historically manifested in heterosexual marriage.

With that established, let us look again at the Bible. “If a man has sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman,” it says. This unusual wording (as one does with a woman) points toward a salient fact - ancient Israel did not have a notion of “homosexuals”, per se, only of sexual deviants (see: David and Jonathan (no homo)). This suggests that the Bible does not discuss homosexuality, but rather a phenomenon that can be observed in (e.g.) Saudi Arabia - straight men who, out of desire for sex of any sort, will lay with other men. This is much more clearly sinful than homosexuality is, which makes it a more compelling way to read the historical document Leviticus. 

(Source: drunkonstevphen, via swing-thing)

Musical compositions named after each of the days. List assembled using Youtube search/autocomplete and the best of my search abilities. Not counting derivatives of R. Black.

MONDAY (12)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wQxLDANZyz8 - Home Brew (hip-hop)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uwDzIwiTIbM - Wilco (alt rock)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GbcsItHtjyA - Ludovico Einaudi (pianist)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EUiP92xaB5I - Steve Angello (house)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xxOw1J91aik - Deadmau5 (house)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-CGg9Un2-fE - Carlo Dall Anese (progressive)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rTwR6Ve1zLw - Jimmy Dub (pop)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q8c7fAAtdLs - Jon Brion (experimental)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FtP7DOdR3C0 - Zosia (acoustic)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h7JZTLfntKI - Steve Nalepa (electronic)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ErhmJNqIj9w - Asem (hip-hop)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SMim8AIkKIk - SCNTST (electronic)

TUESDAY (6)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v06ti96VOBM - Home Brew (hip-hop)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_E0o3p7bWxw - Yazoo (synthpop)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h3wRRMfkep4 - Telepopmusik (electronic)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sYoBEcvnknc - You Am I (alt rock)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DNrOg5CzIuc - Paul McCartney

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0y9sfPshRbs - Lovebirds (house)

WEDNESDAY (8)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zkAu4G7Wsfk - Home Brew (hip-hop)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lPcDK6wdBLc - Mike Posner (rap)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4DHtZ-e-8ec - Mike Doughty (alt rock)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mXovyYmlVr4 - Saukrates (rap)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DW3xb4iP_sI - Jimmy Eat World (alt rock)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tuP_tjK1Qy4 - Eyescream (Filipino indie)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zTxH4rFZoiA - Tori Amos (pianist)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UZ53ABehi3I - Fischerspooner (electroclash)

THURSDAY (14)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C-PbjeXajEo - Home Brew (hip-hop)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zgGy-p2yY-E - Asobi Seksu (dream pop)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1sxBE6JGNYA - Nick Ogawa (cellist)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Suprl56Owg - The Weeknd (R&B)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YD1DbtVP1Og - Ian Curtis (post-punk)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2TlRe_-ecjU - Asbestoscape (experimental)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_4kFycw5aLU - Steve Cole (saxophonist)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gppCQyJByYM - Deer Murray (indie pop)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ciz_C3xiuN0 - Harry Nilsson

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MnT4daCIvkw - Jim Croce (folk rock)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MnT4daCIvkw - Brian Haner (comedian)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kdKe0HkSq3I - Noisia (electronic)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Ek6jL4zF4c - Morphine (alt rock)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R7e9DdBcJJw - The Chiodos Bros (acoustic)

FRIDAY (10)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6OhERKmMwt0 - Home Brew (hip-hop)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DPVTl9K0lqc - Rebecca Black (pop)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2B0qH8RNdG0 - Gramatik (hip-hop)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bxhxPHN0wqM - Ice Cube (rap)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e_hfh2k8p6o - Goldspot (indie pop)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qomJAx3UNjI - Rascal Flatts (country)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lg4EOl0Ig7I - Raheem DeVaughn (R&B)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JH6olUPgBM4 - Ying Yang Twins (hip-hop)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i0ZP-AkzCrQ - Sir Charles Jones (soul)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qz9ZpBBanAA - Krayzie Bone (rap)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=abUvZD3o2qM - Levelz (rap)

SATURDAY (26)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F9IhrVdofCU - Home Brew (hip-hop)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UEzhlFqtAJk - Fall Out Boy (pop punk)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iguvG6ytSn8 - Basshunter (trance)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5cEcGJY_iiA - Sparklehorse (indie rock)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=usgLGOx7FXk - Marc Broussard (bayou soul)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pkG0AkIsgFw - Brian Haner (comedian)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eO9c5abCyZE - Ludacris (rap)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bgozmdORXbU - Electrelane (indie rock)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EB2KG52VyOc - The Clientele (indie pop)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=chMknHHNk6Q - Ed Sheeran (acoustic)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RRWLThhy2CI - Donna Allen (dance pop)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fFEfzxi3uBI - Norma Jean Wright (soul)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rhcl1UZ7abM - Shwayze (rap)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FL2eucSZzOA - Olivia the Band (Christian rock)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f-xGXs6tUXo - Rachael Cantu (indie rock)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JMY4iWzse8 - Rivermaya (Filipino rock)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rITFXbK_I2Y - Mudmen (Celtic rock)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Wl7t6f42SY - Gareth Wyn (trance)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BphZiqztPrc - Go Betty Go (punk rock)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kxjELxct7wU - Hedley (alt rock)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCjRto1pvdw - Josh Rouse (folk/roots pop)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TCdkXBqpp6g - Josh Woodward (alt rock)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ECCNqbtAgY - Lil’ Mo (R&B)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IIT2qN14xH0 - Choshinsung (Kpop)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NFg_fIC3JII - Cunnie Williams (R&B)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U6IuP0onbNA - Vanilla Muffins (pop punk)

SUNDAY (35)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VpDW7umtQFI - Home Brew (hip-hop)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c3BvW56tjB0 - Hurts (synthpop)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CRYrtC9m1z0 - Ferry Corsten (trance)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=avFuTHh9GKg - Thomas Osaze (house)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x7zPjaBMZa0 - Heather Headley (R&B)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qdFUKuaReWw - Moby [1] (electronic)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JWWwgLpS77c - Moby [2] (electronic)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IbK_4T0itKM - Jarle Bernhoft (neo-soul)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2CXD8PK6Djc - Sonic Youth (alt rock)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X2zZgA6Xgc4 - David Bowie

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=akpDw4RFK2o - Frank Sinatra

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aFv5HjTD3Ts - Bloc Party (indie rock)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cCpbgb5NKvQ - Sylvia Robinson

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MaF8t1c0fm4 - The Cranberries

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SOLqRrJXVno - Ashok

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N-3Nq5_gKeg - Jet West

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZXVK93e1epw - Joe Hisaishi

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mE0YUsQr5Xk - Stephen Sondheim

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SWEJTnOAb_g - Anuhea (folk rock)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5PMseccTCi8 - Jean Goldkette

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PLRQ1j5SYO4 - Custom Kings

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fCaz71Da6nc - Metaform

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PjyC4pzOsOg - David Bowie

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SThRTLiYoWw - Oliver Smith (trance)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vSCebQSooZM - Taroma Koshida

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hrEIorFTVk4 - The Babystars 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zw2Qs3aq7h0 - Caleb and Soul

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d-k-_c5YlcU - DJ Day

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3fycjHawwcc - Nuage

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0PKTQbenwAM - Kerem Gorsev

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-eIw5T2rhzg - Schiller

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3R6b1KDXtGk - Kurt Darren

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U4abbzWOen0 - Jonathan Larson

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B6qNFENfxTs - Yozoh

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dnq4cFnJRmc - Yuck

This thought was going to be Tweeted. It’s too blocky for that. We’ll see what comes out of a full exploration of the space.

I say “we” a lot. It’s a rhetorical preference of mine, like how some people use rhetorical questions. Mayers said that we all have preferences for conjunctions, which reflect how we think. I wonder.

It’s 8:50. Literature class ends at 8:58. School mornings are miserable. I’m slightly a morning person, and would be awake of my own volition by now regardless of the day, but school mornings have a particular quality. Too often, I collapse into sleep. I sleep because waking life holds nothing positive for me. I sleep. I wake. I go to school and sip of the cup of sociality; I can take little solace in the time I have before class. [We’re tired.] Class comes, I can sip no more, but all around me people are drinking their fill. Like Tantalus.

Misery is highly unflattering. People want none of it, especially when apparently unfounded. It sets one apart, and not in a good way. Like being ugly or socially maladjusted. Nobody cares. You settle with the others of your kind (which is a small fortune) and be neurotic and hopeless together.

Classes change. Once enough classes change I will be in a better milieu and I will be happier and won’t I feel silly for having drawled all this out? Just the wages of life, after all. We all feel bad. We all dread going to class. We all want to go under a stairwell and hide there because of factors. It feels like scars are being dug deeper and deeper into my mind and by the time this is over it will be harder and harder to deal with academia and won’t I be shit out of luck then. 

I can’t work. I have three assignments to do before I can graduate. [Other people got this shit dealt with long ago and don’t have to meet a social worker biweekly for months to report on how I’m still a useless fucker.] Two of them are formulaic, like so many essays I’ve done before. One paragraph introduction, two points each with one or two paragraphs, and a paragraph conclusion. Fucking short. Fucking easy. Too much of a fucking hurdle to even think about the third assignment. Most people are doing pages of work for senior experience (which I haven’t done jack squat about; I guess I’ll just have to gamble that they won’t deny me a diploma for being a useless cunt there, too. They have an interest in their reputation.)

It’s a more cheerful time in maths than in literature. Barely. Cheerful enough that I’ll stop and anesthize myself on the internet. There’s enough here. It hasn’t helped. It passed the time but it hasn’t helped. Nothing helps.

PS: About 80 minutes after finishing this post, my mind abruptly clicked back into normalcy or a semblance thereof. Bizarre.

crosseyedcupid:

Police smashing a car window to claim that protestors were “rioting!”

no comment

crosseyedcupid:

Police smashing a car window to claim that protestors were “rioting!”

no comment

I’m tumbling this because I don’t care to hold it on Twitter. Time values measured in minutes.

T=0: Realized I now have little to gain from synchronizing waking hours with normal folk. Feels… liberating? Hope was one of Pandora’s evils.

T=7: The resolution of school, as far as I can see, isn’t depressing per se, but hardly a good performance. I think my mind is trying to estivate

T=13: 2012 Q2 is an arbitrary time to judge myself on. It has been worse; it will be worse; it has been better; it will be better. Life goes on.

T=17: I’d drug myself, but the high is for, at most, using very generous guesses and bounds, about 2 hours. A day is much longer than 2 hours.

T=19: This is silly. I’ll be thinking markedly differently by June. My current emotions are too unstable to last a fortnight; I ought to shut up.

T=25: It is aloneness. Not crushing, just driftless. I wiped a pronoun of its connotations. Second time this year. Wiped a lot of me too, it seems

T=36: I know what I’ve done to get to this. I don’t know what I, broadly, do; or who I, broadly, am. Those problems lack enough data. Still aching

I think that’s long enough to mope. I’m not sure I like where this is heading. Or maybe it’s already gotten to where it was going. I’ll… occupy myself, somehow. 

i’m going to go off and // read // or something

Insights from debates over higher education. [Posted in significantly less detail on Facebook]

People are very resigned to the free market as uncontestable reality, which precludes the idea of a “market failure” as a thing distinct from the inevitable misery of life. (Best thing I learned in high school micro: government can’t make miracles, but they can close externalities. Easy example: cigarettes)

If higher education is not subsidized significantly, only rich people will go into academia. Thus only rich people will have their perspectives expressed in academia. As economics is a subset of academia, now only rich people have their perspectives expressed in economics. Oops.

There is enough work in teaching to employ all the PhDs in the US. (There is, furthermore, a need for research above and beyond that.) There is no surplus of PhDs, therefore. There may be oddities in the way this particular market works, to put it charitably, but there’s no simple argument that we as a society are putting out too many doctors of the liberal arts.

People don’t realise that free markets don’t exist. They’re a model. If you’re going to spew anecdata and then offhandedly reject the idea of “artificially inflating demand”, you’re a tosser more detached from the reality of our government than the grad students you’re criticizing, and your stupidity is the reason I can’t think of any more points for this post.

Alright, I spent a while being anal-retentive over this, so I’m going to post it.

http://eric22222.wordpress.com/2009/03/22/a-mathematical-analysis-of-exploding-dice/ investigates the maths of exploding dice (definition in link). It does so in a profoundly ugly way. I attempted to remedy this.

Consider an exploding N-sided die; call the expected value of rolling this die X.

X = (1+2+3+…+N+X)/N. This is, simply, the sum of all possibilities over the number of possibilities. If an N is rolled, another die is rolled; this will contribute X, on average - hence the N+X in the numerator. Multiply by N and bring X terms together. We receive:

(N-1)X = 1+2+3+…+N. 

(N-1)X = N(N+1)/2

X = N(N+1)/2/(N-1). Stick the right side into Wolfram Alpha (no sense in dividing those polynomials manually). Replace N with x, to make sure nothing fucks up, and we receive:

X = 1 + N/2 + 1/(N-1)

The common N values are 4, 6, 8, 10, 12, and 20. The according X values are thus 3.333, 4.2, 5.143, 6.111, 7.091, and 11.053.

If for whatever reason you want the factor by which this increases things, just plug in N to get a result, compare this to (N/2 + .5) which is the average for an N-sided die, and divide. If you want said factor for the general case, derive it yourself, because you obviously don’t need it for an actual game and can afford to wait.

gabjoh asked: Greece and France?

Greece is scary. I’m not going to think about Greece, except maybe to be worried. It could have economic ripples. It could get violent. Or Greece could just continue to fail unremarkably and painfully. Without knowing the situation in exacting detail, any thoughts about a Greek future are prophecy, and those tend to be unduly negative.

Regarding France, from an emotional-tribal perspective, this is nice to hear. As before, I’m not a specialist in European affairs, so I don’t care to pass much judgment until things unfold more. My inner economist-patrician is vaguely concerned that the socialists will be excessively intransigent, but generally glad that austerity is being pushed back. It’s intellectually bankrupt, to put it diplomatically.

‘The general message of porn to men, particular young men, is “you are so worthless that you are not worth of actual, physical, satisfying touch; the only sexual experiences you are going to have are with images of women who are only willing to show you themselves because you’re completely anonymous. And this is something you should be ashamed of. And if you’re worthless enough, you might even have to pay for these sexual experiences. Sex is not something you deserve, least of all in the flesh, least of all for free.”’

That is a very interesting thing to say (came up in a quasi-feminist thread about sexiness and related topics). And it is very interesting that the response separates into those who are utterly boggled by this perspective and those who share it.

An elaborated one of the latter: http://www.metafilter.com/115377/Sexy-Baby#4317139

The key issue here, or rather that which is elucidated, is that masculism is distinctly not a mirror of feminism. Extremism and spotty history aside, feminism can generally speak for most women; masculism generally concerns itself with the traumatized man - those who have been abandoned and left to stew in themselves until they’re halfway to the LD50 of hatred and bitterness and inability to relate healthily with others or themselves. It’s not about sex; that’s a synecdoche applied for various reasons. The deeper issues of connection and affection can’t be addressed; they are completely beyond reach; sex seems at least vaguely achievable and consolatory. And what I must emphasize from the link is that this is a spiral: hatred breeds isolation which breeds more hatred, and the organized and connected outreach groups aren’t going to share their solidarity and break the spiral because you’re a bigoted subhuman Other. That’s obviously an extreme statement of things, but that’s the purest form of a strain that affects different people to different degrees. The people above have brushed against it. I have, slightly. The most concise statement I can recall is from some /b/tard, regarding the desire to be a girl:

“I want to be held. I want to be able to run around screaming without having someone call the police on me. I want to cuddle and cry and laugh without fear of being judged weak. I want to hold a child without being called a pedophile. I want to be called beautiful. I want to be loved.”

I can’t even approach that with dry eyes. This is the extent of self-hatred that some modern men are brought to. Of course, this isn’t a male issue; both genders can become twisted like this. But - and this might be my myopic perspective - it happens more often to men. It happens often enough that whole MRA communities can form from these dregs. It happens often enough that the vast majority of suicides are male. To move to a tangent: this is why “creepy” is a bad word. Not because some overassertive men object to being “shamed”, but because there are terribly fragile psyches who hear “creepy” as the totalising criticism of normal society - the statement, by well-adjusted and happy people, that one does not deserve sociality. You’re creepy! You destroy utility when you try to interact with anyone! Go rot alone and unloved and unnoticed until you collapse and kill yourself.

In retrospect, I’m not sure who I speak for. I don’t know what Man, at large, suffers. I don’t know what I suffer, because I have friends and shit. I speak for 4chan, I suppose. There is real human pathos strewn among the vitriol. 

I really need less depressing interests.

‘I haven’t read “The Waste Land” for a year, and I never did bother to check all the footnotes. But I will hazard these statements—Eliot contains the same ecstatic vision which runs from Münzer to Yeats. However, he retains a grounding in the social reality/order of his time. Facing what he perceives as a choice between ecstatic chaos and lifeless mechanistic order, he accedes to maintaining a separation of asexual purity and brutal sexual reality. And he wears a stoical face before this. Read his essay on Tradition and the Individual Talent, as well as Four Quartets, when he’s less concerned with depicting moribund Europe, to catch a sense of what I speak. Remember how I said there’s a certain kind of conservatism which I respect more than bourgeois liberalism—Eliot is of this type. Of course, the dichotomy he maintains is reactionary, but it’s due to a deep fatalism, not ignorance. (Counter him with Yeats or Pound, who, arising from the same milieu, opted to support Hitler and Mussolini.) And this fatalism is born out of the relation between fertility and death, which I touched on in my last letter—life feeds on itself. A fatalism I share with the western tradition at times. You seem surprised at Eliot’s irreconcilable ambivalence; don’t you share this ambivalence yourself, Alex?’

Letter from Barry Obama to his college girlfriend Alex (McNear). She was a deconstructionist, apparently. Appalling.